When I was little I had severe anxiety. Why? I felt if I didn’t get straight A’s at school then I would not be good enough. It was beyond debilitating. IT SUCKED!!! Have you ever had a perfectionism issue? Or wondered where it stemmed from or how to overcome it?
Perfection sucks because it creates unrealistic expectations and paralyses progress. Here are a few reasons why:
- Impossible Standard: Perfection is unattainable. The pursuit of it sets us up for constant disappointment because no one can reach an ideal that doesn’t exist.
- Stifles Growth: When you’re focused on being perfect, you avoid risks or new experiences that could lead to growth. Fear of failure or making mistakes keeps you from learning and improving.
- Kills Creativity: Creativity thrives on experimentation and imperfection. The quest for perfection narrows your thinking and prevents you from exploring new possibilities.
- Causes Burnout: Trying to achieve perfection can lead to overwork, stress, and burnout. It makes you feel like you’re never enough, no matter how much you accomplish.
- Limits Vulnerability: Perfectionism hinders connection because it stops you from being real and vulnerable with others. People relate to authenticity, not flawlessness.
- Destroys Joy: The joy of life often comes from embracing imperfections and enjoying the process. Perfectionism makes you overly critical and robs you of appreciating progress and the beauty in imperfection.
Embracing imperfection is where true fulfilment, creativity, and leadership emerge.
Where does perfection stem from
Perfectionism often stems from deep-rooted issues related to self-worth, identity, and external pressures. Here are some common origins:
1. Fear of Judgment and Rejection
Perfectionism can arise from a fear of being judged or rejected by others. This often happens when self-worth is tied to external validation—people feel they must be flawless to be accepted or valued.
2. Childhood Experiences
- Overly Critical Upbringing: Growing up in environments where praise was conditional or where mistakes were harshly criticised can lead to perfectionism. A child may internalise the belief that they are only loveable or worthy when they perform perfectly.
- High Expectations from Parents: Parents with high expectations may unintentionally push children to feel that their worth is linked to their achievements, making them chase perfection to gain approval.
3. Societal Pressures and Comparison Culture
Social media, academic pressures, or competitive work environments can fuel perfectionism. Constant comparison to idealised standards or other people’s curated lives leads to feeling “not enough,” making people strive for perfection to fit in or feel worthy.
4. Low Self-Esteem
Perfectionism often masks deeper feelings of inadequacy. When someone doesn’t feel good about who they are, they might use perfection as a way to compensate for their perceived flaws, believing they have to be perfect to be accepted.
5. Need for Control
Sometimes perfectionism stems from a desire to control outcomes in uncertain or chaotic environments. By trying to be perfect, people feel like they can mitigate failure or criticism, which can give them a (false) sense of control over their lives.
6. Trauma and Past Failures
Experiencing failure, trauma, or ridicule in the past can cause people to become overly focused on avoiding mistakes. The idea of being perfect can be a defense mechanism to prevent feeling that kind of hurt again.
7. Imposter Syndrome
People with imposter syndrome often feel like they don’t deserve their success or position, fearing that they’ll be “found out.” As a result, they may strive for perfection to compensate for their deep-seated belief that they’re not good enough.
8. Conditional Love or Approval
Perfectionism may develop when people receive love or approval only when they succeed or meet high standards. This conditional acceptance can create an inner belief that their worth is dependent on how well they perform.
Ultimately, perfectionism is a coping mechanism for deeper issues like fear of failure, fear of rejection, and a need for control. Shifting away from perfectionism involves fostering self-compassion, embracing vulnerability, and accepting that worthiness is intrinsic, not conditional.
How to Overcome it
Overcoming perfectionism requires a mindset shift and practical strategies that help break free from its harmful cycle. Here are some ways to overcome perfectionism:
1. Practice Self-Compassion
- Treat Yourself Like a Friend: Be kind to yourself when you make mistakes or fall short of your expectations. Instead of self-criticism, talk to yourself with the same empathy and kindness you would offer a close friend.
- Acknowledge Imperfection: Accept that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. Imperfection is part of being human, not a sign of weakness.
2. Set Realistic and Flexible Goals
- Focus on Progress, Not Perfection: Instead of aiming for flawless results, focus on making progress. Break tasks into smaller, achievable goals that emphasize improvement rather than perfection.
- Allow Flexibility: Understand that things rarely go perfectly as planned. Building flexibility into your goals allows you to adapt to change without feeling defeated.
3. Challenge Your Inner Critic
- Recognize Perfectionist Thoughts: Notice when your inner dialogue is filled with unrealistic expectations or harsh criticism. Ask yourself if your thoughts are rational and if you’re being fair to yourself.
- Reframe Negative Thoughts: Replace self-critical thoughts with balanced, positive ones. For example, instead of thinking, “I must be perfect,” try, “Doing my best is enough, and I’m learning along the way.”
4. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
- Shift Your Perspective on Failure: View mistakes not as proof of inadequacy but as opportunities for growth. Embracing failure as part of the learning process helps reduce the fear associated with it.
- Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge and celebrate progress, no matter how small. This reinforces a growth mindset where improvement, not perfection, is the goal.
5. Let Go of Control
- Practice ‘Good Enough’: Train yourself to stop working on something once it reaches a level of “good enough.” Recognise that sometimes 80% is better than exhausting yourself trying to reach 100%.
- Delegate and Share Responsibility: Let others take on tasks and resist the urge to control every detail. Delegating builds trust and reduces the need for things to be “perfect.”
6. Focus on Your Values
- Reevaluate What’s Important: Reflect on your core values and how perfectionism aligns with them. Are you striving for perfection in areas that don’t align with your true purpose? Prioritise what really matters, not just what you feel compelled to be perfect at.
- Prioritise Relationships: Focus on building deeper connections with people, as perfectionism often distances you from others. Vulnerability and authenticity foster trust and connection.
7. Limit Comparison
- Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Social media and societal standards can fuel perfectionism by promoting unrealistic ideals. Focus on your own journey and achievements instead of comparing them to others.
- Recognise the Flaws in “Perfect” Images: Remind yourself that what you see online or in the lives of others is often curated and doesn’t reflect their struggles or imperfections.
8. Take Action Despite Fear
- Adopt a ‘Just Rock It’ Mentality: Take imperfect action rather than waiting until everything is perfectly aligned. By taking action even when things aren’t perfect, you build resilience and develop the courage to take more risks.
- Accept Criticism as Growth: Instead of dreading criticism, view it as a source of valuable feedback for improvement. It can help you grow rather than affirm a sense of inadequacy.
9. Seek Support
- Talk to a Mentor or Therapist: Sometimes perfectionism stems from deeper-rooted self-worth issues. A mentor or therapist can help you unpack these feelings, providing guidance and tools to overcome them.
- Join Communities Focused on Growth: Surround yourself with people who value growth and improvement over perfection. This will help you shift your focus and build healthier standards.
10. Develop a Growth Mindset
- Emphasise Learning Over Results: Focus on learning new skills, developing resilience, and evolving as a person, rather than the outcome. Growth, not flawless execution, is the marker of success.
- Celebrate Effort and Persistence: Shift your definition of success to include effort, persistence, and courage in the face of setbacks rather than perfect outcomes.
11. Practice Mindfulness and Stillness
- Be Present: Perfectionism often leads to overthinking and future-focused anxiety. Practicing mindfulness helps ground you in the present, where you can take things one step at a time.
- Embrace Stillness: As you believe stillness is a superpower, use it to cultivate inner calm and clarity. It helps you detach from the pressures of perfectionism and make room for a more peaceful mindset.
By embracing imperfection, practicing self-compassion, and focusing on growth rather than flawless outcomes, you can overcome perfectionism and lead a more authentic and fulfilling life.
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